Parent Theracoaching

Children are not mini adults. They are biologically different - underdeveloped, dysregulated, inattentive by nature.

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Children develop in their habitat. They adapt to whatever is there. They have been, just as you did, since conception. Parents do not choose their development or make it happen. It is happening through the feedback loops and dynamics between you. To support healthy development, optimize the feedback loops that are the sun, water, and nourishment of their developing nervous system.

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When parents focus on fixing, changing, getting kids to..., they (unintentionally) create a habitat where it doesn't feel safe to exist as the underdeveloped, dysregulated offspring that they are. Hence, they start acting out of their threat response system - yelling, melting down. Or collapsing, hiding. It doesn't feel safe to be them.

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The premise of diagnosing children is based on an incomplete understanding of children and human development. Children cannot be any more regulated or 'well-behaved' than the adults in their habitat. They cannot choose their behaviors. It's not that they won't do what you want; they can't.  The more we force, shame, act out of our own fears...they adapt in ways harmful to their future health. Just like your journey. Just like struggle to stop yelling, escaping, shutting down, arguing with your partner. It's all natural human behavior when the threat detection system is tangled with our social connection system. You are similar in having a developmental journey; how you are is an artifact of it.

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This is not shaming or blaming parents. It's accepting that how we are as parents is a critical contribution to their development, their sense of security in an ever complex world, and their future success.  It is human nature.