Family Growth Coaching
Life would be great for the Fixums, except...
They were struggling with Alex.
Alex had always been a kid with his own mind. As a toddler, his parents laughed at his comments. How cute. Yet, they never reflected on what he was experiencing or offered comfort or correction.
Then in school, those 'cute' expressions and ongoing outbursts became disruptive. Teachers wanted him on meds. It was hard to go places. Mom and Dad got into good cop/bad cop roles, walking on eggshells with each other. And Alex.
As Alex hit his teens, the behaviors turned into 'defiant' and 'disrespectful.'
His parents were at their wits’ end. Alex was not a deprived child, had a good home, and received things from his parents. His parents couldn't get him to talk. Or to stop yelling. Removing privileges did nothing.
What to do with Alex?
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Alex's parents were tired of being mad at him. And each other. They felt unified in their disapproval of Alex, yet at significant odds about how to get him to change. Blaming each other which let Alex off the hook again!Alex's lack of motivation to change had them worried that he'd never move out on his own. They were tired of wishing he'd be more like his brother, who never made a fuss. They were tired of being tired.
Nothing helped.
Alex's parents tried getting him therapy, but he refused or was uncooperative and became more defiant. How could they get through to him before he ruined his life? At least his brother had it figured out. If only they knew that under Alex's brother's quiet outside, he worried endlessly about becoming the target of his parent's negative attention.They hadn't put all the pieces of the puzzle together yet.
When kids struggle, parents struggle.
No doubt, Alex's parents struggled. Coming alongside them, the parents had to first wrestle with their struggle – the inner distress that their son was struggling.
Facing the struggles head-on is the beauty of a family approach. To help the kids, we first address the adult challenges – outdated beliefs, inner critic tapes, believing you 'shouldn't be dealing with this.' These get in the way of doing and being what is helpful to a child who’s struggling.
By seeing the parents struggle as a separate part of the problem, parents can effectively be part of the solution. Children's mental and emotional well-being interconnect with the adults around them. By accepting the complexity, we can get to the simplicity at the roots.
Parents taking the lead in change is critical.
Once Alex’s parents named and tamed their protective circuits, they were able to gently engage with Alex in a way that created the safeness he was desperately seeking. With a base of compassion and trust, Alex and his parents identified and solved the regulation problems underneath the surface behaviors. Alex closed the gap and found his inner motivation to change.
Meet the Passit Family.
In contrast to Alex, the 'problem child,' everyone is the problem to someone else in the Passit Family.
Jill and Adam have been married for 15 years with two teenagers, Noah and Ashley. Adam runs a small business, and Jill works in healthcare.
The energy between them is often unspoken yet relentless in tone and vibes, directed at each other and the kids. The kids have found ways to avoid their parents – Noah always with friends, Ashley never out of her room.
Adam feels he's never good enough, never does enough to keep Jill happy. Jill thinks she's the only one who cares about anything – feeling she has to do it all and resentful about it.
They love each other but can't stand being around each other. Adam sticks to the garage. Jill seeks the kids who have no desire to be their mom’s ‘friend’ right now!
Bad habits snuck upon the Passit family.
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Jill relies on wine to de-stress; Adam works in the evening catching up on stuff.
Ashley feels picked on simply because she's home. At least she's home – not out getting high like Noah!
But to her parents, Noah is the perfect kid – involved, good grades. She felt invisible, suffering in social pain in silence.
Jill and Adam both wondered if this was it; this was their life forever. It terrified Jill; sunk Adam into further into his cave.
When Noah's increasing risk-taking totaled the car and sent a couple of friends to the hospital, they couldn't ignore their pain and disconnection.
Where had they gone wrong? It seemed to creep upon them a bit at a time until they were suffocating. They called a truce and were ready to face change for the sake of their kids.
Parents go first for change that lasts.
Jill and Adam were able to see how their dysregulation and protective habits were interconnected with their contemptuous relationship. And the unintended consequences they were having on their kids’ mental and emotional health.
With a base on compassion, they explored the domino effect of dysregulation they inherited from their families and how it naturally gets passed along despite their intentions to be different than their parents.
Intention is necessary, but not enough by itself, to break the chain.
With awareness of their inner tensions between wanting to connect and needing to protect, they were able to heal emotional wounds of resentment and hurt. Making trust and authenticity natural. Jill and Adam found lightness in themselves and each other.
Their ease with the ups and downs of parenting lifted the pressure from both kids. Noah and Ashley gained confidence in facing their launch into adulthood.
Families are at a Crossroads
As you see in your schools and communities, mental health challenges with teenagers and young adults continue to rise.
Adults are quick to point out the need to fix their kids while ignoring their own unwellness.
By nature of their dependent nervous systems, the stress and dysregulation roll downhill. Unintentionally, kids are inevitably left holding the family's angst.
Let's show kids the love they deserve and embrace adult wellness and be the nurturing habitat where children, and parents, flourish.
Like the Fixum and Passit Families,
it starts with compassion.
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Family life can go amuck. It’s been happening for generations. Across generations like a well oiled machine. Yep, it’s quite natural. You can change it for yourselves, your kids, and generations to follow. Given human biology, it’s the only way lasting change can happen. Embrace the journey.
I've been through my challenges of blending corporate life, marriage, and parenting – and gone through launching kids, betrayal, and sucker punches. And now I'm here to help.
Let me be a collaborative partner in clarifying your vision and goals, setting the roadmap, and guiding you through your family’s development through the issues you currently face.
We'll find creativity to help solve your problems and gain the capacity to grow.
So take the only step that you have to do on your own.
Give me a call!